The time of reckoning is nearly upon us and I have to say I
have never been so apprehensive about anything in my life. I’ve been close. The
nearest I’ve ever come to feeling like this was my wedding speech; absolutely
tied up in knots, cotton wool mouth and a feeling of “I simply cannot do this”…
And I didn’t have to. At the time my fiancé knew how I felt about her, so did
everyone in the room, in every respect this was the most beautiful woman I had
ever met, why should I need to tell 200 guests what they already knew?
So why am I putting myself through all this anxiety, tension
and heartache simply just to climb a mountain? What’s the point of trying to
prove something and who am I proving it to?
We’ve seen so much in the news lately that tells us life is
too short. We need to grasp onto any opportunity that comes our way and make
the most of what we have. I’ve always said there is someone worse off than me
and I consider myself lucky, and I genuinely do.
At the start of this year I had a plan to take a team to the
top of a mountain, and it’s still my plan. But I have had so many barriers put
in my way and without doubt this is my biggest challenge to date. Immediately
after I announced my plan, the challenge of a lifetime, I dislocated my right
knee and it took months to get better, it’s still not 100% now. I have become
so much weaker than I ever have been. I am losing certain movements daily.
Earlier this year I could quite easily lift my mug of tea to my mouth, now
that’s gone. I have to use one hand to help the other lift the cup to my lips.
My legs are the weakest they’ve ever been, constantly shaking and over worked,
as certain muscles try to compensate others that aren’t there anymore. It is my
own admission that I see a shadow of my former self.
I have grown used to my body failing me but not really dealt
with any other illness. About two weeks ago I was sat in my office and I had
the biggest sense of fear wash over me, something terrible was going to happen
to myself or my family. Pins and needles raged to my hands and feet, my lungs
tightened and my head spun. I felt like I would never be happy ever again.
My colleagues took care of me and after I had calmed down a little
I made my way to see my doctor. I just sat in the reception until I could be
seen. I’m a grown man and I felt foolish and scared. How could I explain what
had just happened, to someone who was practically a stranger? I did it though.
My doctor invited a colleague in who was part of the mental health team and we
spoke about all that was going on with my life, job, house, relationships,
money; and it was all good, as I have previously said, I’m a very lucky man.
Then we started to talk about the challenge I had planned and this brought the
tickling back to my hands and feet, the head spinning dread rose up again.
After a little contemplation they had come to the conclusion
that I had had a panic attack, and to prevent this happening again I should
simply stop all my plans and cut this out of my life. I was gutted, completely
empty, I thought I was going to let so many people down. I left the doctors
surgery looking at the floor as I dragged my feet to the car, I sat there with
tears streaming down my cheeks.
One thing I took from that appointment was that talking
helped, I still had a niggle at the back of my mind but it was somehow
controllable now because I sort of got a medication; if I told myself that I
won’t be doing this then I had no need to worry.
I spoke some more too, a couple of nights later I called one
of my friends who lives 200 miles away but he’d break his back to help you. We
spoke for a good half an hour and he said we can just take it a step at a time,
we would literally be doing what he had said, lower our expectations and always
know that people realise what a challenge this will be, and also he told me
what he thought of me and what he thought others think too. That was a boost, a
great thing to hear. I am not here for the recognition or kudos, I’ve always
said that I am here to help, life is short, why wouldn’t people try to help
others?
I had a similar conversation with my wife and our eldest
daughter, “We’ll just go for a walk in Wales and see where it leads us”
So, I am still up for it. I will never not try. Why make
this effort though, as I said at the start, why bother?
The answer is we simply have to; we have to push ourselves
to the limit, to not be ordinary, to try to make an impression and to better
ourselves, to keep fit and in my case keep moving, to be selfless and help
others.
On 1st of July I will try and that’s all I can
do. Besides, the emphasis has always been on me taking a team to climb a
mountain and I have an amazing team behind me and no doubt they’ll be in front
of me too! My strapline has always been ‘If I Can, You Can Too’ so if I gave up
then I would be a hypocrite and I wouldn’t like myself very much.
To date we have raised about £1500 and that equates to 37.5
hours of world class research funded for by our team. That is most people’s
working week, which means we have paid for a scientist to work on treatments
and cures for these conditions, and hopefully this will contribute towards
somebody else not going through what I go through both physically and mentally.
No weakened muscles, no falls, no dislocations, no help needed when supping a
brew.
Despite my condition I am always happy and would like to
think I always will be; I have plenty to smile about and I hold on to
everything that is positive in my life, I have to and you should too.
#IfICanYouCanToo
#MucslesMatter
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